To you, my son (B)
It’s been two years since I’ve been blessed with your beautiful soul and personality. You are my greatest joy and my most annoying little boy, but in the best way possible. You make my heart warm with your hugs and kisses and watching you grow everyday brings soo much happiness to my life. I love being your Mom. I love that your father and I are able to be there for you every step of the way. And one day you’ll grow up and we’ll miss those kisses and random tight hugs and the the crying you do because you want to be with me at all times. But there’s soo many things that I want to apologize for. I didn’t know how to be a mom and I’ve been sorting things out along the way. I’m sorry that I don’t have it all together at all times and that I wasn’t the most patient when you started walking and being more independent. I’m sorry for yelling at you soo much when you don’t yet understand the world. I’m sorry for pushing you off of me when I was overwhelmed and angry. I’m sorry for letting you cry until you fell asleep. I’m sorry for putting you on the floor when you just wanted to be on me because my arms were giving out and my back was hurting. I’m sorry for hitting you when you touched something you weren’t supposed to or when you cried too much because I couldn’t handle the overstimulation. I’m sorry we got Covid together - I’m glad we survived it - you were only 6 months the first time and about 1 years old the 2nd time. I’m sorry for not playing with you enough and giving you too much screen time. I’m sorry to feeding you the same things most times because you became very picky and not giving you enough veggies as you approached 2. I’m sorry for mostly getting you used clothes and toys because you grow out of them so fast. I’m sorry for sometimes cutting your nails too short that they sometimes hurt or sometimes not cutting them causing you to scratch yourself. I’m sorry for not getting the dogs nails cut and her sometimes scratching you. I’m sorry for popping those little pimples even though the Dr instructed me to leave them alone, that they would go away. I’m sorry for not breastfeeding you longer than 3 months. I’m sorry for switching your formulas and milks soo many times and defaulting to cows milk in the end. I’m sorry for keeping you in the carseat longer than an hour and I’m sorry for putting you in danger by taking you out the carseat because I thought it would be better to give you some relief on those long rides. I’m sorry for always yelling at Dad even though he’s always doing the best he can - I’m sorry you have had to witness the yelling - it doesn’t set a good example. I’m sorry for being too slow when you get hurt and letting you fall off the bed because my reaction time was again-too slow. I have soo many doubts about me being able to protect you and all I ever want is for you to be safe in this crazy world. I hope I can kick those instincts on if I ever need too. I’m sorry for not yelling at other kids when they take toys away from you or knock you over when they’re running. I know they’re just kids but you’re my baby and I should’ve said something. I’m sorry for allowing vaping to be normalized in front of you that it made you curious and caused you to grab a hold of a vape when we weren’t looking and taking a small puff - I should’ve been more vigilant even though I just wanted to use the bathroom. I’m sorry for letting your family members hug and kiss you even though it made you uncomfortable. I should’ve been more assertive about your feelings even though you don’t quite understand your own just yet. I feel like I don’t have a voice because i’m too scared of others opinions. I’m still getting the hang of things - but I appreciate you for pushing people off now when you no longer want love. I hope you continue to express yourself as you get older because it helps me understand you. I’ve learned to be more patient with you. I know you love me regardless. You show me everyday with your smiles and i love showing you my love through tickling you and always showering you with hugs, cuddles and kisses. I hope you grow up and have a strong voice. Maybe I can learn from you. Never allow anyone to take away your shine or dictate things for you. You are my little soldier and I know you will be something bright in this dull world. I’m still sorry for the things that I may do that hurt your feelings or make you cry in the future and I’m sorry for the things I have and don’t have control over. I’m trying to be the best mommy I can be with the limited alone time I have to recenter myself. It’s only been 2 years and we have soo many experiences to go. I’m trying to teach you soo many things and I have a great fear of sending you off into school and into the world when I don’t know the intentions of others. One thing I will never be sorry for is for bringing you into this world. I have to trust people will be good to you and that you will always come back home safely. Thankfully I still have a few years to prepare to start letting go and letting you experience being a kid. I will probably never lose that anxiety over you. I love you. We love you.